Nicely done, Joaquin.

Today, before cleaning vomit out of the couch upholstery, (F-You Child Flu of 2018. Next year we will be going to Costa Rica for the winter) I listened to my new favorite podcast, Lovett or Leave It from Crooked Media. The always hilarious and brilliant Jon Lovett asked his panel what they thought of various members of Trump’s posse resigning or being excused over the months. In other words, does Trump need babysitters? Is having people around him attempting to advise him a good thing? Even if they are not world class geniuses?

Since I am a stay-at-home mom, get my news from podcasts, and am not a political panelist, I will answer that question here.

To me, Trump is on a rubber life raft with his team in the middle of the ocean. He is eating all the Datrex ration bars and using the bottled water to rinse off his hands because the saltwater has made them itchy. He is desperately trying to carve “Trump was here” into the side of the rubber life raft with his diary key.

He forces his team to form a human shade above him in the heat of the day.”Shade me! You’re not shading right! Keep shading me, you’re doing a terrible job!” And in the evening he forces them to braid his magnificent spiraling hair around him to keep warm. His main thought is: “How can I remind everyone I win?  At politics, tv, and life? How can I show them I am this raft’s winner? How can I bring up The Apprentice? Maybe set the raft on fire?” The people he has surrounded himself with are in an impossible situation. Stay and try to keep him from doing what he’s doing, or abandon ship, knowing that he will eventually sink the raft and doom anyone left on it.

He’s a terrible leader so people will continue to leave him. What we need is not adequate or inadequate Republican candidates for the jobs advising him. He needs a team of disguised Democratic mental health workers and political geniuses that can coach (trick) him into doing his job well. Democratic agents with, I’m thinking, elephant pins and “I’m a Republican” buttons to put him at ease. Then therapy the shit out of him (because people who need care should receive it) while assuring him that the best way to stay in the spotlight is to lean left.

An even better team for him would be The Avengers or The Justice League, superheroes who won’t complain about how shitty the job is and will be immune to his criticisms and abuse because at the end of the day, they’ll have group therapy support at the Hall of Justice or Avengers Mansion where there will be free donuts.

You know at some point Trump will pull off his Mission Impossible rubber face mask and reveal that he’s actually Joaquin Phoenix in an elaborate performance art piece. Well done, Joaquin. Way to float the dregs of society to the surface. Ills exposed. Bravo.

So….there’s your answer. Keep people around him who are Democrats working undercover, are smart enough to persuade and thick-skinned enough to not care about being criticized. And who have group therapy available at the end of the day and who work for the good of all people. And who are incredibly fit and charming. And who have really great one-liners and who are aging beautifully. There. Next question.






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